Selling Points
I was walking around UCCS today, and I happened upon a poster encouraging students to vote on the new university constitution. The poster said, and I quote, "Now with a new preamble celebrating diversity." I'm not kidding. That's the selling point of our new constitution. The pre-freaking-amble that celebrates diversity. That got me thinking about what other slogans and selling points would convince the sheeple that comprise our student population to vote yes on a totally new constitution. Don't worry, though. You don't have to do any wondering at all. I've done the work for you. That's what long, boring classes in lecture halls are for, right? Here are some of the potential selling points I jotted down instead of listening to a lecture on "My Name is Asher Lev."
1. Printed on paper made from trees that used to adorn Sam Walton's grave. Suck on that.
2. We've made the whole thing more nymph-friendly.
3. It's shorter, so you use less ozone when you read it aloud.
4. It'll power your e-85 hybrid car.
5. The only waste it produces can be used as horse feed.
6. Nothing in it will offend the spirits of the trees that died to make the paper on which it was printed.
7. It comes with its own sense of self-worth. To scale.
8. It'll cook your Gardenburger for you.
9. Written in sign language so as not to leave anyone out.
10. It will be displayed in a singing frame that plays "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy.
11. We've removed all such offensive references to "God," "truth," "objectivity," and "understandable English." Take THAT, fascists! Score another one for team Mother Earth.
12. Now with 40% more midgets!
13. Redefines "pothead" as its own separate race.
14. Printed on the treated and bleached flesh of a slain white middle class Protestant male.
15. Only allows American-made cars into the parking lots.
16. 50% more references to The Force, and 13 more invocations of "with our powers combined..."
17. Dolphin safe!
18. Made from hedgehogs (don't worry, bleeding hearts, they're ugly).
19. Establishes Thursdays as "pants optional."
20. If you kinda squint, it looks like Michael Moore.
21. Outlaws references to World War II that don't focus on the Holocaust.
22. Changes the Bible so it's not the Jews who kill Jesus. It's the Nazis.
23. Makes "Rent" the official campus movie. Go Bohemians!
24. Blames Bush for balls cancer, jealousy, Joel Schumacher, Wendy's, VH1, charlie horses, bad breath, potholes, Scientology, broken shoelaces, Hayden Christensen, belly button lint, the letter Q, static electricity, and certain aspects of gravity (the bad ones).
1. Printed on paper made from trees that used to adorn Sam Walton's grave. Suck on that.
2. We've made the whole thing more nymph-friendly.
3. It's shorter, so you use less ozone when you read it aloud.
4. It'll power your e-85 hybrid car.
5. The only waste it produces can be used as horse feed.
6. Nothing in it will offend the spirits of the trees that died to make the paper on which it was printed.
7. It comes with its own sense of self-worth. To scale.
8. It'll cook your Gardenburger for you.
9. Written in sign language so as not to leave anyone out.
10. It will be displayed in a singing frame that plays "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy.
11. We've removed all such offensive references to "God," "truth," "objectivity," and "understandable English." Take THAT, fascists! Score another one for team Mother Earth.
12. Now with 40% more midgets!
13. Redefines "pothead" as its own separate race.
14. Printed on the treated and bleached flesh of a slain white middle class Protestant male.
15. Only allows American-made cars into the parking lots.
16. 50% more references to The Force, and 13 more invocations of "with our powers combined..."
17. Dolphin safe!
18. Made from hedgehogs (don't worry, bleeding hearts, they're ugly).
19. Establishes Thursdays as "pants optional."
20. If you kinda squint, it looks like Michael Moore.
21. Outlaws references to World War II that don't focus on the Holocaust.
22. Changes the Bible so it's not the Jews who kill Jesus. It's the Nazis.
23. Makes "Rent" the official campus movie. Go Bohemians!
24. Blames Bush for balls cancer, jealousy, Joel Schumacher, Wendy's, VH1, charlie horses, bad breath, potholes, Scientology, broken shoelaces, Hayden Christensen, belly button lint, the letter Q, static electricity, and certain aspects of gravity (the bad ones).
posted by Vaughan at
9:13 PM
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