Saw

OK, this weekend, I saw "Saw." Quite a good movie. It was well directed and the writing was top-notch. Yeah, to be fair, it was a fairly straightforward thriller with cliches and old tricks, but the direction, writing, acting, and especially the cinematography pushed it past being another ordinary horror film. It has a couple of really good scares, and the tension hardly (if ever) lets up. It's gruesome, and at times hard to watch, but in the end, I came out with a renewed faith in the horror genre. It's not dead yet, baby! Highly recommended for those of you who weren't kept up all night by "Silence of the Lambs."

Sean Penn Is A Complete And Utter Moron

I recently discovered this letter from Sean Penn to Matt Stone and Trey Parker in response to something Stone said in an interview with Rolling Stone. Matt Stone said that if one does not know what they're talking about, there's no shame in not voting. Take that as you will. I happen to agree with Stone. If you're so stupid that you don't know what the heck you're talking about when it comes to politics, I don't want you voting. My vote is a well-informed decision. I don't want some drooling hippy who can't tell John Kerry from his own ass cancelling out my educated vote. There's no shame in voting if you are a moron. (In this case, don't feel ashamed if you don't vote, Sean. In fact, based on this letter, I'll be surprised if you can dress yourself without help on November 2nd.) The idiocy with which he wrote this letter is mind-boggling. Please keep in mind I did not alter this letter in any way. The gross spelling and grammatical errors are all straight from Penn's pen.


*October 6, 2004

To Trey Parker and Matt Stone,

I remember a cordial hello when you guys were beginning to be famous guys around Hollywood at some party. I remember several times getting a few giggles out of your humor. I remember not being bothered as you traded on my name among others to appear witty, above it all, and likeable to your crowd. I never mind being of service, in satire and silliness.

I do mind when anybody who doesn't have a child, doesn't have a child at war, or isn't or won't be in harm's way themselves, is encouraging that there's "no shame in not voting" "if you don't know what you're talking about" (Mr. Stone) without mentioning the shame of not knowing what your talking about, and encouraging people to know. You guys are talented young guys but alas, primarily young guys. It's all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well, to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world. The vote matters to them. No one's ignorance, indcluding a couple of hip cross-dressers, is an excuse.

All best, and a sincere fuck you,

Sean Penn

P.S. Take this as a personal invitation from me to you (you can ask Dennis Miller along for the ride as well) to escort you on a trip, which I took last Christmas. We'll fly to Amman, Jordan and I'll ride with you in a (?) 12 hours through the Sunni Triangle into Fallujah and Baghdad and I'll show you around. When we return, make all the fun you want. *


(This is Andrew again.) By the way, Sean, even Ross from "Friends" knows the difference between "your" and "you're," and he's not even a real person. Come on, Sean. It seems like you're still in character from "I Am Sam." What's the matter, Oscars don't come with a spell-checker?

An Update On Michael Moore Being A Big Fat Doofus

Just thought you guys would like to know about something Fat Mike's got up his sleeve for election day. He's asking his fans to join him in "catching" people defrauding the vote-counters and intimidating voters. It's finally happened. The left has pushed their lies about voter intimidation and fraud so far that they have actually come to believe them themselves. Unbe-freaking-lievable. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourselves: www.michaelmoore.com

Dolls Aren't Scary

There's a movie coming out pretty soon called "Seed of Chucky." It is the fifth movie in the "Child's Play" series. People are idiots. I can't even believe they made the first "Child's Play," let alone a fifth! Who is going to these movies? Hey, "Child's Play" fans, guess what... Dolls aren't scary. If you were scared by any of these movies, then I've got some stuffed animals and baseball cards that would probably terrify you. Get a life... or some balls, people. We can't win a war on terrorism when the majority of out country is scared to death by a freaking inanimate hunk of plastic and artificial hair. That's another thing: Chucky needs to change his damn hair style. Oh yeah, there's nothing scarier or more disturbing than some idiot with a bright red mullet. He's an eighteen-inch high doll, for crying out loud! KICK THE DAMN THING ACROSS THE ROOM, YOU IGNORANT HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS! I say we boycott "Seed of Chucky" when it comes out. I don't want this boycott because of moral, religious, or political reasons. I want to keep people from seeing this movie because it's the lamest idea for a movie ever! And I seriously mean EVER. It's lamer and more retarded than "Dude, Where's My Car?" and "Ghost Ship" combined. Fact: 98% of the people who were scared by the "Child's Play" movies are voting for Nader.

The Car Horn Is To Get People's Attention, Not To Say "Hello" Or "I Disapprove Of That Particular Maneuver!"

OK, I thought I was going to be able to leave this blog alone for today, other than the quotation from "Hellboy." I was wrong. Today, I was taking a shuttle from the main campus of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs to an off-campus parking lot. We had to turn left at an intersection with oncoming traffic and no lights. The shuttle driver turned "in front" of two cars that were NOWHERE NEAR close enough to any sort of danger to merit a horn honk. They, being the certifiable geniuses they were, decided to make their disapproval of the shuttle driver's maneuver known by honking. Now, let me ask you, what the hell for? I have no idea, and I'm hoping someone out there can enlighten me as to why there are millions of jackasses across the country who have taken it upon themselves to honk when it is completely unnecessary to do so. You are supposed to honk if you are beside a driver who is in the habit of not checking his blind spot before changing lanes. It's a safety issue, you morons. It's not a freaking soapbox. Get off your pedestal. I can't tell you how many times I've seen these idiots honking at people who turn in front of them just for the sake of hearing their own horns. To all of you out there who do that: We know you're there. WE GET IT. I hope you die horrible, ironic deaths at the hands of people weaker than you.

See? Even Comic Book Movies Have Something To Offer

Just one entry today (well, at least for now). This is just a quote from the movie "Hellboy," which I thought was fairly underrated. The best part is that it's totally true. Enjoy:

"We like people in spite of their flaws; we love people because of them."

I've got some other great quotes, but you'll just have to wait for them.

Fortune Cookies Don't Tell Fortunes

OK, this one has been pissing me off for a long time. I recently got reminded of this problem by a friend's blog ( www.doogieandray.com ). Fortune cookies suck. That name is a total misnomer. They don't tell you anything, let alone a fortune. I got one the other day that said, "You are the master of every situation." Thanks for that "fortune," you blunt force trauma victim! When I hear something called a fortune, I want to hear something that is going to happen. That's a fortune, you slant-eyed illegal immigrant. Give me my dang fortune, or else stop calling them fortune cookies. You could just call them "dumbest-ass phrases ever" cookies and save us all the charade.

Using The British Spellings For Words Makes You Look Stupid, Not Sophisticated

This post came to mind when as I was writing the last post. In the Team America post, I used the word "theater." As I was typing it, I began to think, for whatever reason, about those slurring retards who believe that if they spell words with the British spellings, they will somehow appear more cultured and sophisticated. Listen up, you mentally handicapped fourth-grade girls: You are morons, and it shows when you try to spell something wrong in order to appear smart. England is a different country. They have words over there that we don't use. They also spell things differently. That's just the way things are. So stop looking like the mental dwarves you are and stop spelling them like: "neighbour, theatre, spectre, honour"...etc. It's not sophisticated, it's retarded.

Team America

I just recently had the privilege of seeing the newest cinematic offering from those hilariously un-PC satirists, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Team America: World Police is a hilarious movie, if you can get past the torrential obscenities. If you are easily offended, or if you think you have EVER been close to getting offended, then this movie is not for you. But, for those of you for whom it is physically impossible to be offended, you'll laugh 'till it hurts. Literally. I came out of the theater with a headache from laughing. Now, remember, I can't really guarantee that you'll laugh at all, so don't come complaining to me after you see it if you didn't think it was funny. Everyone has a different sense of humor, and just because it really is a funny movie, it doesn't give me the right to call you the brain-dead cheerleader you must be if you didn't laugh.

Chef Tony Is So Totally Not A Chef

I don't know how many people are up at the ungodly hour that this particular infomercial airs, but I'm here to tell you it still doesn't air late enough at night. I am, of course, talking about Chef Tony and his line of "miracle blades." I'd rather bite the curb than watch that fugly pseudo-chef peddle his crappy knives to the sheer delight of nearly tens of coerced and bribed "audience members." My main problem with this guy is the fact that he appears more enthusiastic about his stupid knives with "quick release action points" and "balance control balls" than any human being should be allowed to be over ANYTHING, let alone cutlery. Also, he likes to refer to his product line as the "miracle blade system." What? WHAT!? A system!? It's a line of folded metal, for crying out loud! You, sir, are an idiot. People like you make me wish looks could kill. If I ever see you on the street, make no mistake about it, I will beat your face in with a croquet mallet.* Maybe you guys haven't seen him, so you'll have to take my word on this one. Chef Tony is one of the most annoying personalities on TV, and that includes Star Jones, Tony Danza, and Pheobe from Friends. He gets all up this poor guy's face about how his knives will cut through a freaking brick, and still remain sharp enough to "make that fish jump out of its skin." Who writes this drivel? I'd like to meet the guy who decided that Chef Tony's dialogue could pass for something other than comatose brain activity, so I could kick him in the teeth in front of his bound and gagged family.

And that's all I have to say about that.


*Seriously... I carry around a croquet mallet. Are you willing to risk doubting me?

God Bless George J. Esseff, Sr.

I heard this on Rush Limbaugh's show a few days ago. I'm not taking credit for it. I simply wanted to have it available to as many people as possible by passing it on through this blog. This is seriously awesome:



Wednesday, October 20th 2004

You're a Republican???

In today's America, ask a growing number of high school and college students; their teachers and professors; the self-anointed media elite and/or hard working men and women of all ethnicities, the question, "What is a Republican?", and you'll be told "… a rich, greedy, egotistical individual, motivated only by money and the desire to accumulate more and more of it, at the expense of the environment … the working poor ….and all whom they exploit…"

I am a Republican … I am none of those things… and I don't know any Republicans who are.

WHAT I AM … first and foremost, is a loving husband of some 52 plus years, the father of four and an American who's proud of his country… and his country's heritage.

WHAT I AM … is the grandson of immigrants who risked everything, including their lives and those of their children, to escape tyranny in search of freedom.

WHAT I AM … is a man who grew up during the Depression and witnessed, first hand, the effects of the Stock Market crash and the soup lines that followed. I watched as both my parents and grand parents, who had very little themselves, share what food they had with a half dozen other families, who had even less.

WHAT I AM … is someone who worked his way through college by holding down three and four jobs at a time and then used that education to build a better life.

WHAT I AM … is a husband who, at age 24, started his own business for the "privilege" of working 60, 70 and 80 hours a week, risking everything I had, including my health, in search of a better life for myself and my loved ones.

WHAT I AM … is a businessman whose blood, sweat and tears…. and plenty of them…, made it possible for me to provide a secure living, not only for my family and myself, but also for literally hundreds of my employees throughout the years. Employees, who in turn, were able to buy their own homes, raise their own families and give back to their communities and their country.

WHAT I AM … is a man who believes in God; a God who has blessed this country… and all for which it stands.

WHAT I AM … is someone who knows, if you doubt miracles exist in today's world, you need only to look into the face of those who received them … and the eyes of those who give them.

WHAT I AM … is an American who's proud that his President embraces a belief in God; proud of a President who understands, as "politically incorrect" as it may be, there is evil in this world and for the security and safety of all freedom loving people everywhere, it must be confronted… and it must be defeated.

WHAT I AM … is an American who takes comfort in the knowledge that our President refuses to allow decisions concerning the very safety and security of this nation, to be governed by the political whims of foreign governments.

WHAT I AM … is tired of hearing from leading Democrats who see only negativity in America; racism in her people; class warfare in her society and "political incorrectness" in her character.

WHAT I AM … is a former democrat who now understands that it is the soldier and not the reporter that guarantees us our freedoms of press, speech and dissent.

WHAT I AM … is a man who believes in the sanctity of life. A man who is repulsed by the pandering of the political left for votes, at the expense of the unborn.

WHAT I AM … is a husband and father who believes in the sanctity of marriage and the preservation of the family unit.

WHAT I AM … is a movie go-er who is repulsed by those insecure, socially inept, elementary thinking, ego-inflated "entertainers" who have appointed themselves "experts" in the fields of national security and geo-politics and then use their forum to attack this nation, its leaders and its actions…. much to the delight and encouragement of our enemies. WHAT I AM … is an American who understands the difference between "censorship" and "choice". Evidently, these individuals do not, because when these same "celebrities" receive public ridicule for their offensive actions, the first thing they yell is "Censorship!". What they seem incapable of understanding is… the right of free speech and dissent is shared equally by those offended… as well as those who offend. I support and will continue to support those films and performers whom I choose to … and refuse to support those I don't. It is my right as an American … a right I will continue to enthusiastically exercise.

WHAT I AM … is a voter, tired of politicians, who, every time their voting records are subjected to public scrutiny, try to divert attention from their political and legislative failures by accusing their opponents of "attack ads" and "negative campaigning"…. and the news media who allow them to get away with it.

WHAT I AM … is a Catholic who loves his God and his Faith… and who's been taught to respect all religions whose teachings are based in love, peace and charity. As such, I am embarrassed and ashamed of those individuals, in both private and public life, whose decisions and actions are devoid of any sense of character or morals; individuals who are only driven by what's best for them … rather than what's right … often times at the expense of many …. including our national security.

WHAT I AM … is a realist who understands that the terrorist attack that murdered hundreds of innocent Russian children could have occurred here, in our heartland. That's why I sincerely believe America needs now, more than ever, a President who sees with a clear and focused vision and who speaks with a voice when heard by both friend and foe alike, is understood, respected and believed.

WHAT I AM … is eternally grateful to Ronald Reagan for having the bravery to speak out against Communism and the courage of his convictions in leading the fight to defeat it; and George W. Bush for the vision, courage, conviction and leadership he has shown in America's war on terrorism amidst both the constant and vicious, personal and political attacks both he and his family are made to endure.

WHAT I AM … is a human being, full of numerous faults and failures, but a man nonetheless, who, though not always successful, has continually strived to do "what's right" instead of "what's easy". A man who is challenging the religious leaders of all faiths, to not only preach to their congregations the fundamentals of "what's right" and "what's wrong", but to also then hold them accountable for their actions in both the public and private sectors.

WHAT I AM … is disgusted with the Courts who, on one hand, call the murder of a pregnant woman a "double homicide" but then refer to the abortion of her baby as, "pro-choice".

WHAT I AM … is someone deeply troubled by a political party which embraces a candidate whose primary "leadership" qualities center around his protesting of the Vietnam war and his labeling the honorable men and women who fought in it, (50,000 of whom gave their lives in that action), as rapists, and war criminals. That same political party then stepped forward this year to block the appearance of a true Vietnam war hero, retired Admiral and former United States Senator, Jeremiah Denton, (a man who spent seven years and seven torturous months in a North Vietnam prison), from speaking before an open session of the California legislature as part of that state's 4th of July celebration. The reason Democrats gave for refusing to allow this American hero to speak before their state legislature was because of the "conservative" nature of his views. As an American, that troubles me deeply ….as well it should you.

WHAT I AM … is a man who feels the need to spend, $104, 655.60,(tax paid) of his own money, to purchase this advertisement, in order to set the story straight. Some may say this money would have been better spent feeding the world's poor. At the risk of sounding self-serving, as an American and as a Republican, for the last six decades of my life, I have done exactly that… and more. Following the examples of my parents and grand parents, I have used my earnings to feed the poor, shelter the homeless, provide housing for the elderly and medical care for the sick….. and continue to do so… and I'm not alone in that work.

WHAT I AM … is someone who is paying for this announcement, at my sole expense, in hopes of opening the eyes of those led blindly by ill-informed elements of our great nation, who, through either ignorance, or malicious intent, repeatedly attack and belittle those of us who belong to a political party that holds true to the belief, "… the rights of the governed, exceed the power of the government". For those interested, I am speaking only as a tax-paying individual who is in no way associated with The Republican National Committee, nor with any of its directors, or delegates.

WHAT I AM … is a man who understands, "the American way of life" is a message of self-empowerment for all.

WHAT I AM … is an American who is grateful that our nation gives each of us the opportunity of self-determination and the right to benefit from the fruits of self achievement.

WHAT I AM … is an American who wants to preserve that way of life for all who seek it.

WHAT I AM … is blessed to be an American…. and proud to be Republican.   George J. Esseff, Sr. george@esseff-foundation.org

Michael Moore is a Genius

Oh, and when I say "genius," I mean complete ass-wad douchebag. That's why I've decided to dress up as the crotch-grabbing cockfag himself for Halloween. Now THAT'S a scary costume. What could be scarier than an overweight socialist with a microphone who has deluded himself into thinking that his outright lies are, in fact, the truth? I mean, for seriously, people... how mentally stunted do you have to be to edit a speech given by someone who was clearly speaking in jest to make that someone sound like a weasel, then actually believe that the message conveyed through the edited speech is true? Eight-year-olds with Down's Syndrome would tell you that you're a retard. Plus, to top it all off, he's fat.

Fat People Suck

I hate fat people. No... seriously, I hate them. Now, I know that some of you are thinking that what I just said is just a tad harsh. Fine. If no one in the world disagreed with me, then there would be no one in the world to be wrong. Fat people are bringing this country down. I saw a lady in Target the other day who was so fat she had to ride around in one of those electric carts. You know the ones I mean: they've got a little stupid damn basket on the front for them to put their best friend in, whether that friend is Sara Lee, Little Debbie, or that stupid Twinkie guy. They ride around in those carts, honking at us able-bodied pedestrians who actually contribute something to society besides empty foil wrappers and carbon dioxide.
I've heard that lame-ass excuse about their weight problem being "glandular." Total crap. Hey fatty: the only gland you've got a problem with is your mouth. Shut it for a few days in a row, and maybe then you'll have enough blood flow returned to your already-half-dead brain to realize that you're wasting your life away, one deep-fried oreo at a time.

Welcome, One and... You

I've got a beef with lots and lots of things. People make me angry. There are also tons of thing I do like. Since I know how eager EVERYONE on the web is to hear my opinions on all kinds of random stuff, I figure I should start blogging my rants for the whole of humanity* to read. Mostly, this is for me, but I'm not completely selfish. I realize how empty the world would be without my opinions. I have seen into the abyss... and stared melancholy in the eye. Fear not, my fellow wanderers! You have now officially entered The House of Vaughan (insert evil laugh and/or that music that goes "dun-dun DA!!")


*When I say "humanity," what I really mean is "fourteen-year-old kids who are online and using IM when they should be doing research for their social studies projects on what the world would be like if the Confederacy won the Civil War." I've got a message for you, kids: no one gives two craps about what would have happened. Tell this to your Social Studies teachers and refuse to do the project. If they give you any trouble, tell them to go to hell and gouge their eyes out with a pair of plastic scissors.