For Reals This Time

OK, I know I said I wasn't going to post anymore this year, but I just couldn't help myself. I noticed that there are still a few people on my street that apparently refuse to put up Christmas lights. People who don't decorate their homes with Christmas lights suck. Some may be more accurately classified as sub-human, or, at the very least, not cool at all. I don't even want to associate with them. What? You're too good to hang up lights? Too important, perhaps? Too rich? Too nice? Too busy? Oh my gosh, how 'bout too lazy, you bum! Get off your lazy butt and put up those Christmas lights, jackass. You're gonna get filled up with holiday cheer, and you're gonna LIKE IT!! If there are people out there right now who don't have Christmas lights up, I'd just like to let you know that I truly, deeply, and quite rightfully hate you.

Comics That Aren't Funny

This is in the same vain as a previous post, but it will focus specifically on comics that aren't funny.
1. Non Sequitur: Apparently, nonsensical liberal rants accompanied by poorly drawn big-headed freaks are just plain hilarious, and when I say hilarous, I mean I'd rather have most of my limbs removed than read it.
2. The Born Loser: Yep, sure is.
3. Dennis The Menace: Oh, that Dennis, always getting into trouble with innocent misunderstandings and a complete lack of comic timing and... well, a sense of humor, period.
4. Baldo: Apparently, the author of Baldo got his knowlege of teen culture from radio broadcasts put out by Dr James Dobson in the early eighties (or possibly pre-revolutionary France).
5. Opus: Is this one even supposed to be funny? I always thought it was more the "not" kind of funny rather than the "real" kind of funny.
6. Jump Start: Apparently, I'm not supposed to claim this isn't a good cartoon. After all, it stars black people. I may get into trouble with the ACLU.
7. Rose Is Rose: Probably the least-funny cartoon ever made. Sometimes, after accidentally reading it, I curl up into a ball and cry, asking God why such a horrible thing must exist in this world.
8. Family Circus: Boy! Golly gee, those kids are so cute! Always asking questions about stuff... So innocent, so angelic, so... wait a minute, it's not funny! It's supposed to be a comic strip, not a "gushy-love-strip."
9. The Lockhorns: I regularly read The Lockhorns out loud to my dog, and she instantly cowers in the corner, shivering from fright in a puddle of her own urine. Seriously, I think they're using it as a torture device in Iraq.

This is officially going to be my last post of the year 2004 because most of the people who read this are in town now anyway. So, to those of you now in the Springs, I'll see you around. For those of you outside Colorado Springs (yeah right), I promise I'll be back January 1st, 2005. See you then!

Worst Six Hours Of Your Life

I was recently at the library when I decided to see if Stephen Hawking's book, "The Universe in a Nutshell" was in or not. As I scanned through the list of works brought up by my search, I noticed that they actually had the book on tape, and since most similar recordings are made of the actual author reading his/her book... Well, you get the idea. I quite literally laughed out loud in the middle of the library at the thought of listening to a Speak 'n' spell talk about astrophysics for six hours straight. Seriously, that would make Ben Stein fall asleep.

What Does It Say On your Badge, Moron?

I hate to admit it, but I am quickly losing respect for police officers. No, I didn't get a ticket, it's ok. It says right on their badges that their job is "to protect and serve." Who exactly are they serving by forcing honest, upright civilians to go to court over a broken taillight? Who is protected by their amazing ability and privilege to turn on their sirens just so they can get to Krispy Kreme faster? I'm so sick of this corrupt former public service turned elite good-old-boys club. Apparently, our new plan is to keep Americans safe from criminals and terrorists by forcing them all to go to traffic court all the time. If we're in the courtroom, apparently the terrorists can't win. How hard is it to become a cop, anyway? "OK, welcome to your first day of this three-day training period. Today we'll practice ticket-writing, tomorrow is the donut-eating seminar (bring your own milk), and day three will be 'how to arrive ten minutes too late.' Then, you'll all be Colorado Springs' finest."

24 People And Things That Are Famous And/Or Popular, Though They Have No Reason To Be

1. Simple Plan: kinda the same crappy song over and over again
2. Home Improvement: a terrible show with bad writing and worse acting
3. NYPD Blue: dumb drama with stupid, over-the-top storylines and it was a retarded concept to begin with
4. Affirmative Action: this makes me wish the Russians had won the Cold War
5. Kwanzaa: it's a made-up holiday, for crying out loud
6. Paris Hilton: not good looking, not talented, kind of annoying
7. Bill Maher: thinks he's an intellectual, is most likely his own biggest fan, probably plays with himself
8. Jazz Music: ok, the best jazz musicians may be "geniuses," but who cares? it's boring
9. Barbara Streisand: should have been put to death a long time ago
10. Nintendo GameCube: they're made out of aborted fetuses. 'nuff said
11. The OC: kind of the crappiest show ever
12. AirSoft: gayer than eight guys makin' out with nine guys
13. Hollister: also made out of aborted fetuses
14. Mountain Biking: What's more fun than riding a bike uphill on rocky terrain while wearing the goofiest looking safety equipment ever invented? Let me think... uh, EVERYTHING!
15. Those gay black t-shirts with "clever" sayings written on them in white: give it up, goths, you're not funny or clever and most of the world won't miss you when you die
16. Accoring To Jim: it's like it's anti-funny. I honestly think Jim Belushi is trying to keep the show from getting laughs. 671,009 people have committed suicide after watching this show
17. Final Fantasy: listen up, nerds, RPG's are like wearing a sign around your neck that says, "I will never know the touch of a woman."
18. Freud: a sex-obsessed crack head
19. William Shakespeare: good poet, but one of the worst storytellers in the history of the written word. this guy is the very definition of "overhyped"
20. Oliver Stone: a pinko commie who wouldn't know good cinema if it beat him out for Best Picture
21. The Detroit Pistons: They were, for a while, the worst "world champions" in the history of the sport. They were the least deserving championship team it has ever been my misfortune to see. Ben Wallace is an ape.
22. John Grisham: The man can't end his novels. He builds up suspense, then cops out at the end, EVERY TIME. Plus, he sells drugs to blind kids.
23. The Rolling Stones: about as entertaining and musically gifted as a mule with rabies
24. Pink Floyd: All in all, you're just another brick in the... wait a minute, Pink Floyd makes elevator music! It's "music" written and performed by potheads, for potheads. If it's possible, Pink Floyd is more boring than jazz and sleep combined.

Sense Of Humor

I sure hope God has a sense of humor. Could you imagine if God didn't get sarcasm? OK, an example... What if a guy was just messing with some of his Christian friends when he suddenly talks about wanting to become a Satanist, just to see their reaction, you know, as a joke. But, he dies of a massive coronary right there in front of them before he can tell them he's joking. Can you believe how embarassing that would be to have to explain in heaven? "OK, God, listen, it was supposed to be FUNNY. It was a joke. Let me explain, you're gonna love this..." If that's the case, I might be in some trouble.

I Really, Really Don't Like Colorado

I hate driving in Colorado. Driving on slick, icy roads is so nerve-racking, especially when there's these idiots who believe they're somehow impervious to losing traction in their magic SUV's. (For those of you from California, we here in the real world have to worry about the weather creating bad driving conditions. And no, rain is NOT a bad driving condition. Saying rain is dangerous on the roads is like saying Tina Turner is "something better than the worst singer in the world.") Yesterday, at least two people my family knows were in accidents that were directly related to the inclement weather. Man, this sucks...

Fortune Cookies

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this. Further proof that fortune cookies aren't even close to telling "fortunes." Yesterday I got one that said, "You are altruistic and will be involved in many humanitarian projects." If you were not yet convinced of the total bull-crappity (of course it's a word) of fortune cookies, I'm sure you are now.

Babies And Priorities

I was talking with my mom about disgruntled mothers the other day, (wow, that didn't sound so depressing in my head) and we began listing the stories of mothers who had flipped out and done crazy things because their jobs are JUST SO HARD. Well, my mom mentioned to me a story I had not yet heard. This was about the time my little sister joined in the conversation, by the way. Apparently, a mother had gone so off the deep end over a burnt meatloaf or some other such nonsense that she actually chopped her baby's arms off! For seriously, guys. Google it if you don't believe me. Anyway, my sister, after having heard this horrific tale of suburban... melancholy, asked the first question that popped into her head, which was, "What did she do with them?"

(This Is The Title Of The Post)

Free Tibet!*





*with purchase of a second Tibet of equal or greater value

Worship Is No Excuse For Bad Grammar

I just got home from church, where I saw one of the most hideous displays of poor grammar I've ever seen. We were singing a new song (something I have a big problem with, but that's another post for another day). The first part of the chorus went like this:

Put a new song
In my mouth
Of praise...

...and it goes on from there.

Now, it may appear, to the untrained or uneducated reader, that there's nothing wrong with that phrasing. That's incorrect. What you're looking at is a textbook example of a misplaced modifier. "Why is that so important?" you may ask, and I'll tell you. I have never in my life heard the oral cavity referred to as a "mouth of praise." Never. However, this is exactly what the song is saying. I'm sure the author wanted to say "Put a new song of praise in my mouth," which would not only be correct, but a much better-sounding phrase for the song. It just flows better. Unfortunately, he did not say that. Now, this isn't as funny or as glaring an example of a misplaced modifier as Stieber's infamous sentence, "The creepy old man sat on the park bench eyeing the young girls with bad intentions," but it's important, nonetheless.
Where am I going with this? *snicker* I'm so glad you asked. The problem I have with this annoying grammatical error represents a growing problem I see within the Christian community. We settle for less because it was done in the name of "Christian art" (sadly, an oxymoron if ever I've heard one). Why do people buy crap music with "inspirational" lyrics? Because they think that the fact that the artist is a Christian somehow excuses the shoddy execution. For a hilarious and quite dead-on satire of this practice, try to find the episode of South Park entitled "Christian Rock Hard." It's funny because it's true. Mel Gibson proved, with "The Passion of the Christ," that one can indeed get the message across efficiently without compromising the artistic value of the piece. We need to stop settling for second-rate quality simply because it was produced by an artist who happens to be a Christian.

(I realize this post is quite long-winded and not very funny, but trust me, I've got some awesome material lined up for the new year. Just you wait and see.)

Bad Lessons From Primetime Television

I was just watching an episode of "Home Improvement" in which Mark, the youngest child, has a heart-to-heart talk with his mother, Jill, about why all the other kids in school call him a dork. Now, I know it's just a show, but for the sake of brevity, I'm going to be writing from this fictional example as if it were real. Jill tells Mark that the other kids call him a dork "because they think that'll make them cool." She then proceeds to explain to him that he'll really be cool if he's just himself. Puh-lease! Gimme a break. I mean, seriously, what twelve-year-old kid is going to believe that load of crap? "Really, mom, even though I still pee my pants in sixth grade and sleep with a security blanket and only watch Disney animated films and I get beat on and made fun of every day by not only my peers but my teachers as well, I'm still cool because I'm me?" Come on, mothers, give your kids a fighting chance. You know who decides if someone is cool? Everybody! Your coolness is constantly on trial in the court of public opinion, whether you know it (or like it) or not. Sorry, nerd, that's just the way it is. Grow up, get some clothes that fit right, and stop playing Magic: The Gathering in your basement. Seriously, there are these guys who always "hang out" in the engineering building at UCCS, playing Magic: The Gathering in a big circle-jerk of nerddome. They're all talking to each other in the common language of dork. They say things, WITH ALL THE SERIOUSNESS IN THE WORLD, like, "My dragon's totally impervious to your white magic power, you retard!" and "I'm stocking up on stone and fire. There's no way your orc will bring my hit points down enough to pose a real threat!" Stuff like that. And the best part is, they say it to each other as if they were talking foreign policy in a DOD joint chiefs meeting. Guess what, dorks: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE VIRGINS. And that's all I have to say about that.

More From The Notebook

OK, so my friend Jack and I were trying to explain to our mutual friend Caleb how AIDS came about. (By the way, Caleb's black. This is important.) Jack told Caleb that it first surfaced in Africa when a guy got it on with a baboon. To this, Caleb promptly replied, "We're black, we don't know the difference!" I can't make this up, guys.

Everyone Knows It, But No One Should

I was using a blow-dryer the other day, when a few of someone's hairs that had been caught in the dryer began to smoke. Strange. By the time I was finished, the unpleasant odor of burnt hair had permeated the room and invaded my nostrils. It's quite a foul smell. Then I came to realize that it was, in fact, the first time I had ever really smelled burnt hair. I have a question to all you people who will immediately pipe up when someone says anything about burnt hair. Why the hell do you know what burnt hair smells like? Am I the only person in the world who has managed to avoid catching my head on fire for nigh on twenty years? I find that quite hard to believe. Darwin has officially been proven wrong, if you had any doubt left in your mind. The fittest are clearly not surviving if there are still people out there who are lighting their hair on fire. People, these idiots are everywhere. Watch your back. And your hair.

Little Black Book

For those of you who don't know the true purpose of this blog, I'm trying out some stuff and pretty much practicing to be a humorist one day. I would love that. So, that really makes you my guinea pigs, so to speak. As some of you may know, I've been keeping a notebook on funny little things that happen to me. Gosh, it's been... I guess about three full years in the making. Since this is the holiday season, I'm getting pretty lazy (yeah, on top of how lazy I am normally). So, every once in a while, I'm going to post an idea from my notebook. It's sort of like a "Deep Thoughts with Andrew Handey" time. This is one of those times.

We were buying a car today, and at the dealership, we had to sit around in their crappy little office. The lady who was working out the finances was kinda fat. Anyway, we were getting pretty restless and I was hungry. I wanted to get something from the vending machine just outside the door, so I said something about it. The finance lady said, "Oh, that vending machine outside isn't working right now." Suddenly, I felt this overwhelming urge to walk over to her, pat her stomach, and say, "Looks to me like it's working just fine."

Guess Where The Quotation Came From

I remembered a great quotation from an awesome movie. Let's see if anyone can get it.

"You know, Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend, I just don't think I could bear it."

Good luck. I refuse to post anymore until someone guesses it correctly. It really shouldn't come to that, though. It's pretty easy.

What's In A Name?

I was watching the first Austin Powers movie yesterday when I started thinking... Who was the first guy to ever say, "Danger's my middle name," to some random, probably apathetic onlooker? I guess that Ian Fleming was most likely the first to put those words to paper. My real question is this: who cares? Seriously, why would the irrelevant fact that a man's middle name just happens to be "Danger" have anything to do with his ability to endure and survive a specific dangerous situation? That makes no sense, whatsoever. I mean, my middle name's Vaughan (surprise!), which means "little." Does that mean that I am somehow gifted with a hightened sensitivity to midgets or dwarves or other stature-challenged people? I wish! But no, it doesn't. Sorry, Mr Coleman. So, by the use of deductive reasoning (not really), the people who claim to have Danger as a middle name and who also believe that that happenstance is somehow significant in any way are complete mongoloid spaz lunatics.

I'm Surrounded By Idiots

Every day, I think to myself that I must have fully seen every stupid thing a person can do, and every day, the people around me prove that wrong. Today, I gave a group presentation in my Intro to Business class. Every group went today. One group, and please keep in mind this is a FINAL PROJECT, showed completely white powerpoint slides with black lettering. That's not even the bad part. They spelled the word "mannequin" like this: manikin. I kid you not. I was going to make fun of this relentlessly, but I think you all can come up with anything worse I can dish out. Seriously, this speaks for itself.

Apparently, I'm Crazy

I was just casually browsing through a list of personality disorders (oh, yeah, like YOU don't do that) when I came to the realization that I might, in fact, have schizotypal personality disorder. I realize that it may not come as a shock to some of you, but I think I'm crazy. For those of you who know me (yeah, right, as if there's anyone outside my circle of eight friends who cares about this blog), I'd like to know what you think. Am I schizotypal, or am I just a hypochondriac (and... would either of those options lead to a conclusion that I am crazy after all... ooooooo, spooky)?

The Perfect Job

I've finally discovered what it is I want to do with my life. OK, so I made it up... but I'm sure you'll eventually start seeing people around who have this job. I want to be... a "professional atmosphere giver." I want to go around to parties and, you know, "give the place atmosphere." People would love it. I'll walk around sharing amusing anectdotes and cracking wise. (I know, now I sound like a fifty-year-old man.) Everyone loves a character. I'll be an atmosphere-giver for hire. Probably charge a flat fee for the night... Oh, it's gonna be huge.

A Wise Man

I stumbled across this quotation by an obscure philosopher, who, for the time being, shall remain nameless. Tell me what you think. "The sum of all human experience and defining characteristics lead to a single conclusion and be reduced to this: We are nothing more or less complex than a coalescence of passions and flaws. This is what separates us from the rest of creation, for in nothing else can these two things be found together."

Finally, People Might Start To Realize That Oliver Stone Is A No-Talent Hack

Vindication! I have said for years that Oliver Stone is an idiot, and it appears that finally, after trying to convince people forever, everybody's gonna know it. I am, of course, referring to Alexander. Now, I'm sorry that this has to happen to Colin Farrel, Val Kilmer, and Anthony Hopkins, who are all gifted actors, but it's worth it to see Oliver "I fling feces at others" Stone fall flat on his face. "Alexander" was behind "The Spongebob Squarepants Movie," which, by the way, had already been out for two weeks! Now THAT'S a burn if I've ever seen one. I think I'm having a little TOO MUCH fun hating "Alexander" because I hate Stone so much. It's sorta like Patton Oswalt says, "I think I enjoy steak more than I actually enjoy it, because I hate hippies so much. Remember this: every time you eat a steak, a hippy loses his hacky sack." That's gold, Jerry, gold! I HIGHLY recommend a comedy album from Patton Oswalt called "Feelin' Kinda Patton." Fan-freaking-tastic. But I digress. Where was I... Oh yeah, I hate Oliver Stone.

Pretty Sweet

Try this little diddy on for size. You'll have fun with this bad boy. It's best viewed on a page with lots of writing. Now what page could you go to that has lots of writing...

Surprise! You're Not Funny!

Most people aren't funny. I know it sounds kinda rough to say, but it's the sad state of things. Guess what, Mr "My idea of a sense of humor is simply repeating worn-out phrases from tv and movies," you're not funny. They just don't seem to get it, do they? It's always somebody else who "killed it," but never them. I know that everyone out there knows somebody like this. There's always that one person at a party or some other little get-together who thinks it's an absolute riot to say something as hilarious as, "Who let the dogs out!?" or "Waaazzzzaaaaaappp?" or "Shut up, Richard." or my personal favorite, "That's pretty sick, Chubbs." Man, you guys are totally AWESOME and funny and original in every sense of the word because I am so not being sarcastic. Oh, you guys don't think people still say those things? I'm sure a lot of you think that no one could, in fact, be so out-of-touch that they still say those lame-ass phrases. You'd be wrong. Help me start a revolution. I'm calling the vast hordes of my readers (that's right, all three of you) to start telling people who aren't funny that they aren't funny. Instead of encouraging them, JUST SAY NO. Friends don't let friends think they're funny when they really, really aren't. Let's stop the charade. "Dude, shut up. No one thinks you're funny."

Now, this is not to say that I believe I'm the funniest person in the world. I don't think I'm the next Jerry Seinfeld. Oh no, far from it. I'm just funnier than you.