A Disclaimer

Due to something I only recently became aware of, I've decided that now is as good a time as any to tell everyone that the main purpose of this site is humor. I write the horrible, vitriolic hatred I do only because I believe it's funny if you really know me. I'm not pissed off ALL THE TIME, as my friend John Deniston so eloquently put it. I don't use that sort of language in real life; I just put it in because it enhances the shock value for the sake of the jokes. I just wanted to clear up what could be a character-damaging miscommunication. Almost everything I write on here is faux-angry satire in the tradition of Lewis Black. It's not me, so don't get all worried about me when I post things about how much I hate one particular person. Lighten up; it's a joke, man.

Helen Keller Was An Idiot... And Some Other Stuff

OK everybody... time for Notes and Quotes! This is the part of the show where Andrew gives you a couple quotations and then comments on them.

The first, as the title of this post suggests, comes from Helen Keller. "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or heard. They are in the heart." Let me ask you this: how the heck does she know!? Excuse me, Helen, but I've never been skydiving, so I'm not in a position to comment on it either way. You, on the other hand, apparently feel that one does not have to EVER experience sight or sound to know that they suck (according to you). Sounds to me like a textbook case of sour grapes. You're just jealous.

This one is an ACTUAL GOOD QUOTATION, not one I wil make fun of. It comes from Albert Camus. "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." I really like this idea, because it's so true. There are a lot of people right now who are, as we speak, working really hard just to look normal. I am deeply saddened by the fact that our society has put such a stigma on the idea of abnormality that people will do anything to fit into a very tight and unforgiving mold. That actually reminds me of another quote: "Be you, do what you do, drink Dr Pepper." -Dr Pepper (who else?)

Favorite Words

I have several favorite words. Now, I'm not talking about liking a word because of it's denotation and/or connotation. I am simply referring to the aesthetic value of the words. I like the way they sound and look. Here are a few of them: serendipitous, prestidigitation, phrenetic, stalwart, Gump, Malcolm, aviator, Titan, megalomaniac, schizophrenic, diamond, Jesus, coronary, incalculable, machine, logarithm, diarrhea, shirk, Congo, frumpy (oh, and by the way, I believe that "Jesus Christ" is the greatest-sounding combination of syllables in the history of the spoken word, and I'm not just saying that because of my faith; I think it beats the hell out of that "cellar door" crap). And there you go. Some of my favorite words to say and hear. I know what you're thinking. "This guy is weird, and a little sad. I can't believe he actually sat down and wrote out his favorite words." I have two things to say to you. First, it's a great way to kill about fifteen minutes. Second, I'm not the one sitting all alone in front of a computer reading a list of someone else's favorite words. Get a hobby, dude. (Or, better yet, leave me a list of your favorites. I'd love to read 'em.)

Further Proof That The Human Being Is Stupid

Apparently, there's a new trend among idiots these days. Cell phones are just randomly exploding in peoples' faces! Can you believe that? I can see at least two major problems here. The first is obvious: the cell phone companies are constantly trying to fit more and more features and power into smaller and smaller phones. The second is that stupid people are buying knock-off batteries and chargers for their phones. Listen up, jackasses: if you have to force the charger into the phone, it's a safe bet that it's not the right charger for the phone, genius. These idiots are trying to save themselves four whole dollars and they're paying for it later by getting their FACES BLOWN OFF! Serves you right. And you, phone companies: I don't want a damn phone that takes pictures, sends and receives faxes, sends and receives email, records audio and video, gives me free piles of money, fixes my car, and gives me oral pleasure! All I want is a PHONE THAT WORKS!! Can you do that? Is that too much to ask? Is it too big of a pain for you to give me a phone that actually gets service when I want it!? Get your thumbs out of your butts and come up with a new design, just for me: The Phone That Actually Works. Brilliant, huh? I hope you die, you rat-dick sucknuts.

This Is Why Men Rule The World

As most of you probably don't know, I recently got a job at Aeropostale. Most of my time is spent folding or hanging clothes. I know, can you believe I get paid for this? Anyway, today I was assigned to straighten out a table of women's sweaters. Sounds easy, right. Wrong. Women are terrible at clothes shopping. It's obvious that they have no idea what they're doing when they hold up FIVE OR SIX examples of the same sweater style, then when they decide they don't want any of them, they throw them into a pile on the table. It took me nearly two hours to fully recover that table. In thirty more minutes, I could have simply started from scratch and finished the display! Let's compare this to the men's sweaters. Five. That's right, I only needed to refold five sweaters from the entire men's sweater table. Men look for their size, maybe try it on, then either buy or don't buy. Women pick up several things, each a different size, hold them up, show them to a friend, in some cases CALL A FRIEND, try them on, try them with different accessories, ask forty questions about whether or not it will shrink, and see if it's on sale, then they might buy it. I'm telling you, this alone is why men rule the world. Women are far too detail-oriented. Men are direct and unflinching. I have a feeling I'll be privy to many more insights into the vast array of differences between the sexes in my experiences at Aeropostale. Just you wait and see. I may even finally get a killer book idea...

Kids Are Stupid

As I eagerly anticipate the holidays, today was important because the highly regarded Consumer Product Safety Commission released a report of recalled toys this holiday season because they were dangerous to a handful of dim-witted infants.

My favorite recalled toy this year is a Nerf football. Nerf. Ok, the name comes from the greek word “squishy ball” But somehow the ball contains some hard plastic where there have been 10 reported cases of facial cuts that “required medical attention”. Which kid is catching a football with their face? Maybe if you follow the instructions of “catch” this wouldn’t be a problem. So to the dismay of several parents around the country, they have now realized they are not raising the next Jerry Rice.
And I’d like to know which kid is throwing the ball with such velocity to slice skin? Let the Baylor football recruitment committee know immediately.

Another item is that 140,000 Allen Iverson toddler’s athletic shoes were recalled because of ONE situation where a hungry infant decided to peel off the Iverson logo and eat it. So it was recalled due to the choking hazard. Once again, aren’t these parents a little over eager if they are buying their toddler designer shoewear? Iverson shoes? Toddler’s have enough trouble walking without falling on their face, are basketball shoes really the answer? And if you feed your child they will not have to resort to eating their apparel.

The Batman Batmobile, a toy that I had as a kid was recalled due to the rear tail wings which are made of plastic. Authorities say this poses a lac-er-a-tion hazard or a puncture problem. Please!! It makes me wonder how they test for these things. Are kids placed in a room with random toys, and monitored to see who gets injured first? Is it just chaos? Isn’t the goal to have fun playing with toys? I just don’t understand.
But I’ll bet it starts when the kid takes a football in the face, another kid chokes on his shoelace from the disbelief of seeing a great shot. In the meantime batman didn’t check his blind spot while backing up too fast.

All in all there were 11 toy-related deaths in 2003 according to USA TODAY. And I believe these tragic situations adhere to my natural selection theory. I know it may be cruel and heartless to believe that because these unfortunate infants kicked the bucket prematurely. But let me read you the formal definition of natural selection. “A natural process resulting in the evolution of organisms best adapted to the environment.” If your child cannot adapt to a controlled environment with toys intended for entertainment. Maybe your child isn’t suited for this whole “life” thing. Hey, no one is good at everything, right? So if your child cannot discover that everything is not food “naturally”, or you can’t adapt to avoid that toddler with an arm, maybe you should help us serve as a statistic and helping other kids not have toys for Christmas.



OK, it's Andrew again. I think this little problem falls under the same category as M.A.D.D. or "Mothers Against Drunk Driving." I think it would be more accurately described as "Mothers of Children Who Don't Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street." I also hate those stupid signs that look like a little glow-in-the-dark child that remind people of the speed limit in their own neighborhood. They practically declare to the world that they are parents who allow their children to play IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Keep an eye on your kids, stupid, and don't get all weepy on me when your child jumps in front of a school bus and gets killed because someone "didn't see the little plastic sign." Watch your own kids and take responsibility for your actions. I promise to AIM FOR YOUR KIDS if I ever see them on the road.

The NBA Sucks

I hate to finally admit it, because I've been a long time fan of professional basketball, but it's true: currently, the NBA sucks. I came to this sad, sad realization on Friday evening when I first heard about this on TV. These guys are animals, plain and simple. They are nine-year-old boys who got taller but never grew up. (I'll try to leave my unadulterated hatred of Ben Wallace out of this, but it's hard.) The fans are just as bad, if not worse. These are GROWN MEN we're talking about! I can't yet fully verbalize my disgust with everyone involved in that overwhelming display of immaturity. Hey guys, guess what... No one cares about your stupid little game! "Oh, he shoved a player for a team that just happens to be the one I like, even though both of them suck like a Dyson. I can't think of a better way to vent my unbounded rage at such an insult, so nyah! take that cup of beer in the face!" Come on, you idiot. Mr Stupid Pacers Fan, I've got a couple things to say to you. I hate you with every bone in my body. You, and people like you, make me want to invent new levels of pain and reserve them only for jackasses like you. First, you're a PACERS FAN! Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds!? You might as well walk around saying you prefer moldy belly button lint to actual food. Seriously, that's like being the "proud owner" of a Daewoo. Keep quiet about that before you embarass yourself. Or, you could start playing with yourself in public and drooling whenever you hear a bell ring. At least that way you'll be able to excuse your retarded behavior by telling people that God peed on your DNA or something. That might get you A LITTLE sympathy in my book. Also, even if this actually were an important game, get a life, dude. The NBA has sucked for about a decade now. It's a miracle to see a team score over 100 points in a game. What's the deal? I'll tell you: the players are all about the money now. They "grew up in da projects playin' hoops in da pawkin' lot. Ain't got no money. Used dem ol' food stamps and ate me some nasty-ass gubmint cheese, nigga!" Get an education, you idiot. You're making the rest of the black people who actually care about tact and grammar look bad. Hey, don't be hatin'. I'm straight up fer real, dog. Just ax Bill Cosby what I'm about. He gots my back.

Stop Trying To Shove Your Homosexuality Down My Throat

Homosexuals make up less than four percent of the population here in the United States, but gays are disproportionately portrayed on television to make it seem like one out of every four boys wants a boyfriend. Not true, you sick bastards. I'll be the first to admit that "Will and Grace" is a hilarious show, but that doesn't make it right. People, listen to me! Left-wing hippy freaks like Susan Sarandon are idiots trying to convince even bigger idiots that gays are like 90% of the world population! Don't buy into it! I don't hate gays, but I DO hate the fact that they're constantly trying to make all us normal people look like the sexual deviants. They're the ones who aren't normal. Heterosexuality is the cornerstone on which the rest of our great society is founded. It doesn't take a village to raise a child, but neither does it take the Village People. If you've got to be gay, just don't do it around me. I carry weapons.

The Most Useless Invention In The World

The stupidest invention in the history of modern thought is, BY FAR, the car alarm. Think about it. There is not a single person reading this post who has heard a car alarm go off in a parking lot and rushed to see what the trouble was. This is what makes the panic button the second worst invention ever. NO ONE assumes that a car is being stolen when an alarm goes off. I saw a cop today sitting in his cruiser while an alarm went off, and he didn't even bat an eye. He was busy watching me and my family get into our car after lunch at On The Border. WE were a more imminent threat than that stupid alarm. What's the first reaction you'll most likely see when a car alarm goes off? Annoyance! People don't care about your 2001 Ford Taurus, you paranoid spaz. If you want to elicit a similar reaction, turn the alarm off and walk around shops and parks hitting people in the face with a brick, then light them on fire and play the soundtrack to "Annie" at an inordinately loud volume, all while rubbing their genitals with sand paper. I would honestly react in exactly the same way to that stimulus as I would to a car alarm. Grow up. I bet YOU don't even come running when you hear an alarm go off, even if it sounds like yours. Seriously, people are infinitely more receptive to A RINGING CELL PHONE than to a car alarm. Even if a guy KNOWS that ring is not his, he will invariably reach into his pocket and check his own, "just in case."

...And that is why the car alarm is the worst, stupidest, most useless, most annoying, and most retarded invention since daytime TV.

Solved: The AIDS Epidemic

I've got a really tidy and efficient solution to this so-called "global epidemic" of AIDS. You want to hear it? Stop having premarital sex. You see? Brilliant! No one has even thought of this ingenius solution, or at least verbalized it. Of course, most people won't consider this option. I am so tired of those ads that try to scare you into caring about the epidemic of AIDS in Africa. They try to tell you that the only solution is to send them money or some crap like that. Would you like to know how AIDS first started in the 80's? Some sick African bastard decided he'd had enough with only having sex with PEOPLE. He branched out into the previously-German-only world of bestiality. That's right, some twisted nutball got a little too friendly with his neighbor's pet BABOON and whamo!... AIDS comes into being. It can't be said enough: AIDS is the direct result of sexual deviancy. All you freaks and weirdos are responsible for those hundreds of thousands of babies in Africa alone who are born with AIDS every year. Stop having premarital sex, and in less than twenty years... gone! There won't be any more AIDS. That's all you've got to do. People who have premarital sex and then complain about AIDS should shut their ignorant cake holes. If you're one of those people, I hate you. Get an education. Oh, and by the way, condoms don't do crap about STDs. Any mongoloid who got a C- or higher in high school chemistry can tell you that latex is far too porous to keep any sort of germs from getting through. If you believe otherwise, you're just kidding yourself. Morons.

If You Want To Laugh 'Til It Hurts, Check This Out

I heard about SeanBaby.com several years ago, but I'd forgotten about it until recently. Try this page about the "US Video Game Team" as a little sample of this guy's sense of humor. It's weird, and kind of vulgar, so if PG-13 rated heist movies leave you offended, don't even bother, you woman. I seriously laughed so hard, I think there was a forty-second period where I didn't breathe. For seriously, guys, you'll laugh until it literally hurts. You'll thank me, I know you will.

"Closed-Minded" Is Not A Bad Word

I am so sick and tired of people calling others "closed-minded" and "intolerant" with a derogatory connotation. Listen, you free-love hippy crackheads, most of the people considered great, even by the world's standards, were intolerant. Most notable are Jesus Christ and Mohandas K. Gandhi (I refuse to call him "Mahatma"). Jesus was not a tolerant man, and you know what? I like that. Some things are just plain stupid. If you don't like something, make your opinion known. You also need to be prepared to be ridiculed by so-called tolerant people. Note, I did not say, "belittle OTHER PEOPLE." Belittle ideas all you want, but don't belittle people. Almost all of the religions of the world are wrong. Tell them so.

Seinfeld Wasn't Funny? Congratulations, Mr Stupidest Person Ever! You're On My List Of People Too Retarded For Me To Hate.

Seinfeld is coming!! I'm so stoked, I think I kinda peed a little. For the uninformed, Seinfeld, the greatest sitcom EVER... PERIOD, is coming to DVD. The first three seasons will be available November 23rd. The first two are in one boxed set, and the third comes separately. I'll never be physically able to fathom the utter stupidity required to say "I just don't think Seinfeld was very funny." What!? You idiot! The true brilliance of Seinfeld cannot be summed up in mere words. One must EXPERIENCE Seinfeld in order to fully appreciate why those who don't think it's funny should be put to death with a blunt axe or a slow-acting poison. Two of the funniest people in history (Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David) were behind this masterpiece. It won several Emmy's and will no doubt continue to air in syndication for many years to come. Trust me, Seinfeld's a pretty good show.

One Of The Less-Thought-About Mysteries Of Life

How many people can't figure out for the life of you how fat people's pants stay on? It's a loophole in the laws of physics, or something. They have a funnel-shaped physique. How can they wear pants? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! Try putting a sock onto a funnel, then tell me how fat people can walk around with pants on. I dare ya. You can't do it. Is there some sort of super secret "fat-people-only" society that doles out velcro or something? Even though fat people suck, I've got to hand it to them for baffling me so. Anyone that can pull off something as amazing as a fat person's pants staying on gets a special place in my book. It's a mystery that has befuddled me for decades, something even more inexplicable than Kevin Costner's career (honestly, how does that guy keep getting work?)

My Grampa

Last Thursday, my great-grandfather, Jack Archer Vaughan, died at a nursing home in Lake Isabella, California. He was 101 years old. He had lived through The Great War, World War II, The Korean War, The Viet Nam conflict, The Cold War, and two wars fought in Iraq. He had been an American citizen under eighteen different presidents. He had been alive through both the Roaring Twenties and the Great Depression. He had seen the Japanese go from a source of cheap labor to our enemies in the Pacific to our closest allies and the most technologically advance people on Earth. He had seen the Germans go from Imperialist bastards to Nazi bastards to pacifist weakling bastards. He had been a pharmacist for longer than I have been alive. He had been retired for longer than my mother (his eldest granddaughter) has been alive. (He definitely got more than he put into Social Security!) He had outlived a son who had fallen to cancer. He had outlived two wives, and left a widow. He had seen literally dozens of great-grandchildren brought into this world. However, most importantly, he was a man of God. He was rooming with a man nearly thirty years his junior who had Alzheimer's. That man frequently forgot who or where he was and would occasionally (once in front of me) cuss like a drunken sailor. My great-grandfather would sometimes forget that he was in the middle of a conversation, and instead of trailing off into a blur of verbalized thought, he would pray. It's as if what is truly in your heart and soul is what comes out in your moments of frailty on this mortal coil. I can only hope that I will have a similar heart when I get old. I pray that I will be allowed to leave a legacy even half as great as that of Mr Jack Archer Vaughan, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, husband, uncle, patriarch, widower, American, friend, and follower of Christ.

I know you're in a better place, grampa. Can't wait to see you again.

A Handy Guide To The Movies

A trip to the movie theater brings out both the best and the worst in humanity. Here's a simple guide to proper etiquette at the cineplex.

First, when you arrive in the actual theater for you movie, save any and all seats you think you may need without using any sort of jacket or purse to mark off your territory. Then, when people inevitably take "your" seats, be furious with them. (I recently had this particular maneuver done on me at a midday showing of "The Incredibles." This woman, who was clearly coherent enough to be brought out in public, had apparently literally run into the theater ahead of several families and "saved" an entire row of seats simply by "calling" them like a third-grader. Ma'am, if you're out there, I apologize for my presumption that you were not allowed to do that.)

Secondly, if you end up in a sold out show and one of the theater workers has to make the requisite announcement that everyone needs to move toward the middle of the rows, take advantage of the opportunity to show everyone else in the theater how clever you are. When he first says, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?" this is the perfect time to try out one of those classic (not to mention original and quite hilarious) one-liners like, "No." or "Hi! How's the weather down there?" People love to hear witty things like that, and I can assure you, we never tire of them.

Thirdly, during the movie, please... I repeat, PLEASE keep your cell phone on. We all know how important you are as the temporary international sales consutant for Pillsbury, and we want to know whenever you get a call. Oh, that reminds me, NEVER leave the theater to answer your phone. We can see that $9.00 movie anytime, but NOW, we want to hear how your sitter is doing with the kids. Which brings me to...

Fourthly (I don't think that's a word), if you have children who are of crying age, I insist that you bring them. Savor your time with your kids. Don't waste a second. If that means you have to put up with a perfect stranger threatening you with a fatal beating for not "shutting up that damn kid," then so be it. It's his loss for not doing it enough with his own children.

Well, I guess those are the important ones. Just follow all these simple guidelines, and you can rest assured that you're doing everything by the book.

(Oh, as a small amendment, I feel I must add this: The person sitting next to you ALWAYS wants to hear you whisper the title of the movie for which you are watching a preview. Nothing irks me more than hearing complete silence from everyone in the room when I'm trying to watch a movie.)

Most People Don't Care That You're The Assistant Night Manager At Blockbuster

It may be hard to believe, folks, but the vast majority of the population couldn't possibly care any less about your stupid eight-foot-wide sphere of influence. You know what I'm talking about. I hate people on power trips, but some people are at least partially deserving of them. Most, however, are not. I am, of course referring to what I call the "delusion of grandeur" power trip. This specific type of ego-masturbation makes me want to crush the genitals of that particualr person. The biggest offenders are substitute teachers. They're the worst. Have you ever had one of those subs who imposes his/her OWN RULES on a class? Like, "You don't get to go to recess today because you didn't have a red pen in class and I'm a bitch." Regular teachers are pretty bad, too. I had one teacher who personally hated to hear anyone ask a "what if" question. So, of course, she allowed us to ask the questions and got over her little problem because she realized she was an idiot and I could have taught that class better. NO. We were "fined" with little monopoly money every time we asked a "what if" question. You, ma'am, are an idiot. I hope some day you read this so you can know just how stupid that was. This problem, however, is not confined solely to the world of psuedo-academia. People on boards of directors do it, people in town council meetings do it, and self-appointed "leaders" in many churches do it. To all you jerks who like to step on people when they're down because it took you four whole years to work your way from pedophile rapist used car salesman to Athletic Director at a Christian high school in Colorado Springs: Normal people don't respect you. We know that you're just too self-conscious to fully realize how big a douche you're being. The only difference is, when we come home, we still like ourselves. Maybe your feelings of inadequacy are justified. Maybe, just MAYBE... the world actually WOULD be a better place without you. Only one way to find out.

Jesus And Santa Weren't Related, So Go Back To Your Tea And Scrumpets. Brits Suck

Apparently, according to Daniel Flynn (www.flynnfiles.com), there are several shopping malls in the UK that have announced they will not be allowing any Santa Claus-related events this holiday season. Why, I hear you ask? Because they don't want to offend any non-Christians. For seriously guys. These big-eared, bad-toothed fancy-boys are banning Santa because he's TOO CHRISTIAN! Am I the only one who sees the irony in that? Of course, who could forget when Santa came and gave baby Jesus some play-dough and a snow globe? Then, they all huddled around the fire, drinking wassail and singing carols. Don't forget the yule log! I'm so sick of people confusing the Christian and secular elements of Christmas. No, Jesus was not born on December 25th. No, the wise men were not there when he was born, and there weren't three of them. No, the candy cane is not symbolic of a shepherd's cane, and the stripes do not represent Jesus' floggings. (Incidentally, I'm sure he would be quite proud to know that his moment of ultimate suffering was forever commemorated with a minty "J" and passed out at drunken office Christmas parties.)
In reality, the Catholic church essentially "invented" a new holiday to replace the pagan winter festival that had previously been celebrated at the same time. "Hey, why don't we make it a birthday party for Jesus?" "Yeah, that's a great idea, Bartholemew. God will surely grant us extra time out of purgatory for that idea!" And so, Christmas was born. But we can't have Santa sitting in a mall and telling "good" kids that they will get whatever they want for Christmas. Oh, no sir. That's far too Christian.
Happy Christmahanukwanzica, everybody!

How Not To Win An Election

Apparently, John Kerry was a terrible leader as head of his campaign. Word 'round the campfire is that he was so insecure about his decisions that he was constantly on the phone with his commie buddies trying to see if he was doing the right thing. He was on the phone so much that, apparently, he had to have his cell phone taken away... twice. Now, the question on my mind is why didn't that scare anybody? Here he is, taking constant straw polls to see if what he's doing is ok with everybody else because he has the decisive capacity of an eight-year-old at a candy store. No one working on the campaign ever realized that if he cannot lead a team of people who want nothing but for him to win, then he wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of EVER leading the greatest nation on earth? If I were involved in that campaign, I'd tuck tail and run immediately after the first time he had to have his phone taken away like a frickin' 8th grade girl. That's just further proof that the left does not want what is best for America. They were willing to back a man that had to be reprimanded for being on the phone too much. What kind of a leader is that? Oh, I'd also like to personally thank Al Franken, George Soros, Michael Moore, and of course, Theresa Heinz-Kerry. If it weren't for your ultra-left wing idiocy, this might be a very different America. Thanks a lot, you pinko nutballs. We couldn't have done it without you.

...Literally

OK, this one's been bothering me for a long time now. People, when you say "literally," it's supposed to actually mean "literally." It doesn't mean, "not literally, but instead figuratively but I'm an idiot and I like to use the word 'literally' to emphasize my point instead of developing a grasp of grammar beyond that of a jockstrap." Just so you know, the actual definition of literal is "taking words in their usual meaning, without exaggeration or imagination; matter-of-fact." However, there is a multitude of imbeciles out there who do not know how to use the word "literally." Good example: If it is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit outside, then it's ok to say, "It's literally freezing outside!" Bad example: If a man is doing well in a tennis tournament, the interviewer should not say, "You're literally on fire today!" The bad example actually happened. I saw it on tv, and I was lucky enough to have a pencil handy, which I promptly shoved in my ear to distract me from the pain. If I have to hurt that much, I'm gonna do it to myself.

More On Moore

John Deniston brought this to my attention. Michael Moore, that fat, mentally defective, unshaven asswad has done it again. He's written 17 reasons for liberals not to slit their wrists. Cute name, huh? It's just too bad that he was apparently too busy beating off to pictures of John Kerry, Karl Marx, and Benito Mussolini that he didn't have time to realize that he's a complete f*cking idiot and none of his points make any sense. If he could coalesce half the energy he exerts on finding cheetos in his disgusting rolls of fat into a pointed effort in sounding more coherent than racoons having sex underwater, then he might have had a chance in getting three or four real reasons onto his list. Alas, he didn't, and his narcissistic fanboys have to put up with 17 signs that Michael Moore belongs on the short bus at a special school for underprivileged retards who have no control over their bowels. All those men who died in Iraq put their lives on the line just to protect Moore's right to make his own stupidity known. I sincerely thank each and every one of you. We'd be living in fear every day if it weren't for your efforts. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart... and God bless America.

Check it out for yourselves at michaelmoore.com

A Friend

I was recently made aware of the fact that my friend, Philip Catalano, did not vote in this year's election. Not cool, Phil... not cool. And not only that, he wasn't even registered! Phil, man, you're breakin' my balls. I can't believe you did that. Who cares if you're in Texas? You still need to make your voice heard. I saw a seventy-five year old man with cancer be led through the line in order to vote. You've got no excuse if that guy can still vote. This is America. It was founded on the principle that every man deserves to make his opinions known. Phil, I know you're a smart guy with plenty of great ideas, but who's going to know if you don't even bother to register to vote? I love you dude, and that's why I'm being honest. Don't be a pussy: Vote!

Oh, and by the way, if you want to email Phil and tell him exactly why, right now, he needs a swift kick in the scrotum: philip_catalano@baylor.edu

We Won. Get Over It.

I'm sick and tired of liberals constantly complaining about how "we didn't elect Bush" in the 2000 election. Surprise, cock breath, we don't elect presidents based on popular vote! Bill Clinton didn't get a majority of the popular vote in 1992, but Republicans didn't complain about that at all. You know why? Because Republicans are smart enough to realize that the electoral vote is the only one that matters. Further proof of the stupidity of liberals. But now, finally, we have proof for those snot-nosed hippy freaks that George W. Bush ACTUALLY IS the preference of the American people. The liberals can't complain about Bush "not being a REAL president" anymore. As of this writing, George W. Bush holds 52% of the popular vote. That's right, as of Friday, November 5th, the popular vote count is Bush: 52%, Kerry: 47%. (In case you're a liberal reading this, that's a difference of 5 percent. That's huge.) You know when the last time was that a DEMOCRAT won the popular vote with more than 51%? Lyndon Banes Johnson in 1964. That's right: 40 years ago! Suck on that, liberals!

Vote, Or You're An Idiot, And You Deserve To Be Kicked Out Of This Great Country

Today is an extremely important day in our nation's history. The man whom we elect as president will effect, for better or worse, the course of history around the world. I saw a man today at the polling place who must have been at least seventy-five years old. My mom recognized him, because he is a patient at the optometric office at which she works. He has cancer. This man needed his daughter to help him get through the line of people just so he could vote, but he did it nonetheless. The man has cancer, for crying out loud! If anyone out there is not voting because it's an "inconvenience," then you need to take a lesson from this man. He cares enough about the fate of the great nation to force himself, in quite a weakened condition, to do his civic duty and vote. If you are eligible to vote, and did not register, or worse, if you are registered and didn't vote, then you are un-American. I don't want you in my country. Either vote or don't complain when things don't go your way, because you have no right to complain if you can't get off your lazy ass to vote.